It’s (a few days after) Yom Kippur, and I’ve been busy living (aka going from place to place) with little time for reflection. That’s REAL life isn’t it? We spend so much time doing and little time for planning. It hasn’t worked for me this year, and as I’ve been writing, I’m reflecting on what it means for me to go past the bend in the road.
During the silent prayer last night – I’m finishing this a few days later – (which I was doing on Zoom since I’m not close to any synagogue), I was as always, thankful for the gifts and opportunities I’ve been given, asked for healing of relationships between those I loved, and, then added how much I needed to forgive myself for all the disappointment I’ve ’caused’. So many lives are filled with health, money, WAR challenges, and truthfullyI have none of that. This makes it so much harder to accept my ‘nothingness’. If I was sitting and talking to myself I’d say wherever you are, that’s the issue you deal with and it’s real for you. So yes, my issue is real – as is yours – whatever and however much it is.
Awareness is love: that’s what a friend shared as I sat here and she walked to services last night. We spent some time thinking about what that could mean. Like so many things, the best ‘thoughts’ are open for interpretation, becoming most relevant in their personal meaning. For me, I realize self-awareness leads to self-love which leads to openness to love around me.
Awareness is realizing me/we are always asking: What’s In It For Me.
Self-love is focusing on what I NEED, not what I want. Lucky for me, I think I have all that I want, but NOT what I need.
And you? How do you balance your wants with your Values/beliefs?
That self-awareness is based on which NEEDS are met and Maslow is the source for that. While his 5 needs for balance are usually described as a hierarchy, some (and I sometimes agree) are more fluid, again, more situation dependent. Except for what’s considered basic physical needs like air, water, food – those are all necessities always.
The ‘classic’ view of Maslow’s Needs in an hierarchy. I’ve ‘taught’ and learned this pyramid in so many classes and yet, it’s only recently I’ve realized the power of focusing on these five needs.
It’s not just the words – it’s what they really mean to each of us. How many times have I reached for a bag of chips when I wasn’t emotionally safe? Or went shopping when I felt like my contributions weren’t listened to and I felt invisible.
Delving (a bit) into Maslow and needs, it’s been acknowledged that his were solidified after spending time with the Blackfoot Indians – it seems he’d hit a ‘wall’ and needed inspiration – and learning. The Blackfoot are much more focused on the ‘we’ rather than the ‘I’ of Western culture. They also acknowledge that our identity is a seed we are born with, uncovered through life experience and needs to be nurtured and celebrated. I especially like this since it’s been the focus of the project I’ve been working on. But enough of that. NEEDS – and yes, mine aren’t met.
Maslow’s needs are motivation, answering: WIIFM or What’s In It For Me. Turns out, Mother Nature, aka a (successful) forest community gets these needs met. Imagine what we can learn from Mother Nature if we only listened?
WIIFM’s: What’s In It For Me aka Maslow’s needs
I started looking at Maslow’s needs through Mother Nature’s lens as I began with ‘Learning From Mother Nature’ and after I learned he had studied with the Blackfoot. What’s especially cool is realizing a forest community/nature really is about win-win relationships, with affiliation being about each organism sharing its qualities for the whole community to succeed. This is the type of community I want to live in.
For the last few years I’ve been searching for ‘my forest’ where I feel emotionally safe to blah blah, affiliated with others where I learn, grow and am able to share my gifts – and recognized for my good and bad qualities and accepted for them. It’s my own private ‘Atlantis’ but instead of searching for riches or eternal life, searching for eternal ‘fit’ and balance. This year, going past the bend, the road of new wonders will open to my forest that I’ll plant and gather. Join my forest and contribute to a community teaming with possibilities of life. I don’t quite know what that looks like yet, I just know to focus on my needs and sharing!
Our forest is where our gifts, talents, and quirks are celebrated and appreciated. Share who you are and focus on meeting NEEDS!
GROW your forest the (Mother) Nature way: SHARE your qualities and help others share theirs. Don’t be SCARED of competition and ‘losing’.
Ask questions and be curious. Really LISTEN to others which means responding to what they say, NOT just talking about yourself. That’s sharing.
The simple answer: As always to feel like my truest self is expressed most if not all the time.
And that I feel like wherever I am, that I fit like a piece of puzzle completing the picture of the moment. Whether that fit is in one specific place or if my wandering soles continue to wander.
Answering ‘What do I want?’ more fully: Moments of Awareness is my guide – opening my heart in 5784 is my (new) game. Last post I addressed what I was feeling as I begin the steps to opening past the bend in the road/river. I can say I was to open my heart wider this year, but first I need to really think what that means – and what it is I REALLY do want so when it comes to take action I really move forward.
First I want to share the shift in energy I’m feeling during these days of awe as I delve into this process. I think I’m always filled with optimism and energy this time of year, but this feels really different. In one sense I’m on the move (forward) and that always energizes me. Even more I’m noticing how many people I’ve met and shared ideas and thoughts with these last few days.
I know it’s partly where I am (staying in a hostel today for the first time since Covid – YAY!). Add this to just consciously opening myself to change and being in the world (so to speak!). And why not – I’ll give my 5784 intentions some credit for these new rich connections!
Being a ‘cloudwalker’ is the greatest high! Floating in the clouds is when my dreams lose boundaries with reality and I think everything I want is possible. In truth, this has worked for me often; but now, I know I have to be more purposeful – especially after this past year when there have been far fewer cloudless days than I want!
Turning to (one step in the) Scientific Method I can look at different variables, narrowing down ‘what I want’. Time to think about which variables have ‘fit’ or not this past year.
So far, here’s my thoughts on what I want and don’t have:
WHY change? MEANING in my life – I want MORE…. I love living in my dreams and imagination as a cloudwalker. I want to feel like I’m using, sharing, and growing my skills and talents. I want more connection with a community even if it’s only for this year. OH, and I wouldn’t mind unpacking for a bit and living out of a dresser, not just a suitcase.
WHAT isn’t working? PURPOSE to my wandering and work/drawings/writings etc. How to do this? I’m stymied… The other WHAT – FUN! I feel like I’m having more FUN this last week than I’ve had for large periods of time of the last year. (WOW….)
WHO??? LOVE – I need more! I am grateful for the people in my life and all who I’m met and stayed with this year. And I want to expand my friendships and stay in touch with those I meet. I want to grow and be part of a thriving forest community!
WHEN: NOW!!! Without being desperate and just jumping at the first opportunity.
WHERE?????? I said it… I want a place where I can walk, wander, in culture and nature all while finding connection, love and fun. Meanwhile, where is the bane of my ‘fit’. I say I don’t fit/belong anywhere, or maybe it’s a little of everywhere. I thought I’d end up back in New York City last year at this time. As I ‘toyed’ and hemmed and hawed at unpacking in a little studio with a big view in the Bronx, I never took action – it wasn’t right. I’ve explored different parts of the Northeast USA this year without feeling like I wanted to declare residency in any of these places. But stay tuned as opportunities seem to be unfolding before me these days.
My wants are becoming more and more refined as I write them and put them out there, even with the vulnerability that comes with writing them out in a public setting like this. Stay tuned as I refine these more and more and seek out actions to turn my dreams into reality!
Here’s to sweet reaping and happy decomposing as I leave us all with a final reminder of the power of imagination, dreams, and ACTION for change. Happy 5784
Imagine how awesome it would be to be gifted 10 days to rewrite and reimagine what you want to do and how you want to be (for the next year). This gift, the time between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur (the Jewish New Year -this being 5784) are indeed ‘days of AWE‘! If I was musical, I’d declare a theme song for each new beginning- each new (Jewish) year. Instead, that theme is songless (except in my head) yet a colorful focus. Artfully creating a visual intent for how/what I want to change this year. These 10 days of awe are imbued with a sense of magic: by focusing on my intent for change (now) it’s more likely to become reality! Truthfully, some years I’ve been more successful at breathing life and action into my intentions than others. Fortunately, (Spoiler alert:) Yom Kippur forgives the promises I make to myself – to a degree – but I’ll get to that later.
Like, (Mother) nature assessing her growing season’s crops, I’m busy assessing what’s grown – or not – in my life garden this year. I’ve got this awesome opportunity to really think and plan to do better – to BE better/BE more of who I am. But/AND it’s a daunting task sift through the refuse while still trying to bring in my year’s ‘harvest’. Logically, I should start with the end in mine: last year’s theme for what I intended to grow. Here it is, my theme, a line in a novel that captured my imagination a year ago:
(We) I thought (we’d) I’d arrived at the end of the road; but it was only a bend opening onto a new horizon and new wonders.
The Year of the Death of Ricardo Reis. by JOSE SARAMAGO..
I entered 5783, optimism flowing as freely as a spring river, dancing with possibilities and the wonders I’d found downstream. Obviously I didn’t think climate change would impact my metaphorical river, but somehow my river ran dry. So dry I never made it past the bend and instead spent the year sitting on the riverbank, caught up in thought, observation, and allowing the wind rather than water to sweep me along.
So how will I get past the bend in 5784 when last year I failed to even stand up??? Now I’m ready to be brave and enter the river’s flow, but first I know I have to sort through what I reaped, and how I failed last year. I’m turning to my favorite tool: Moments of Awareness (MomA). MomA is the like a ginzu knife for EVERYTHING conflict/communication/life and emotional processing. Yes, I’m going to be logical this year!
MomA (Moments of Awareness) are three simple questions that can be asked of others – or used for personal questioning in conflict or really any uncertainty:
What are you feeling? (Emotions)
What do you want? (Emotional and more outcome)
What can YOU do differently? (ACTIONS to take to feel and be different)
Simple questions, right? The challenge is in the answering. Challenging, since the only way this works is if (I) am honest and vulnerable (these often being hard to even think about!) Logically, I’ll ask one ‘moment’ at a time, starting with the first:
What am I feeling???? Yowzer…. a bunch of different emotions, but I’ll start with:
Awe: that I’ve gone with the ‘flow’ this year and opened myself to opportunities as they’ve arisen – not ‘tasks’, but relationships, and while not perfect, each stop on my journey (while still sitting on the bank of the river) has been a gift in and of itself.
Shame: my emotional standard, gifted through my matrilineal DNA. Each year I try to weed it out of my soul and emotional soil – but it’s there to help me understand my mom. Shame, because how have I not published Learning From Mother Nature? How am I still single? How am I still a nomad?
Anger: at myself (of course!) for the above. And always a tinge of anger at that same mom and the culture of division she brewed in our ‘family’. Sad, right?
Sadness: I guess for all that and all above. Knowing I can do, share, and be so much more!
Joy: for times with friends old and new, for those who keep my heart, soul (and stuff) safe and sane in the ways that are most comfortable for them.
Pride: for taking advantage of who I am and trying to be my best me – even when I fail so UN-admirably!
Gratitude (adding this a day later): gratitude for this opportunity to start anew and based on this gratitude it feels like everything is changing around me!
I think shame is a seed planted by someone feeling a host of negative emotions someone planted inside them.
I call this planting of invasive doubts. Doubts that aren’t natural to us yet overtake our natural optimism.
Be aware of seeds (doubts of others) strewn like the pollen floating through the air – don’t let it take root.
So that’s my first step – a mixed bag of emotions with so much more to do and be. I know I’ll be adding to these feelings over the next few days. Unpacking them so to speak before I repack – or really rewrite my story for this new beginning!
Now you, what are you feeling these days as you take stock of your year’s crops? Share them here or with friends or a journal. And get ready for this continuing journey over the next week! Here’s to a sweet and healthy year for all of us!
Go ahead and share that big gulp – what are you feeling as nature slows, and your rhythm changes! What are YOU feeling???
It’s time for the United Nations Climate talks AGAIN. There will be a huge march in NYC on September 17th to the UN – declaring it’s time to stop fossil fuel drilling. We have to talk differently – not louder!
Specifically, time for each of us to change our actions – after all – each of us can make small changes for BIG results! So start by asking yourself….
Simply ask yourself… then take action – we got this!! Share your actions here or with your friends.
I guess it really is time to start using reusable mugs! (hey they work for water too.
Autumn/fall is a new school year (whether you’re in school or not). It’s a clean slate and the possibility for a new start. Everything is – for feels – brand new from notebooks and backpacks to clothes and shoes. Entering into this new season (or physical school) is tinged with nervousness and wrapped in optimism for all that’s possible. Hope is in the air! Everyone breathe deep – don’t we need a big gulp of hope?
Mother Nature’s world in the northern hemisphere looks more like death than optimism. As Thoreau said: It’s not what you look at it’s what you see. Mother Nature’s planning for the new year. We all know things change for a reason (and with each season!). It’s best to go with the change and thoroughly think through next steps.
There’s so much going on in nature right now. I think learning from nature is key: Decomposing my failure(s) and composing what I’ve learned for new growth.
I have a LOT of failure to decompose this year! Ha!
As Mother Nature slows, breaks down what’s been and plans for the future, so do I with the Jewish New Year (5784) starting tonight (9/15) through Yom Kippur in 10 days. This is my reflection time, time to assess what’s worked and what I want to do differently for the new year. Spoiler alert: I’ve had a very nothing year which is a HUGE failure for me. This year I’ll be reflecting here and hope you’ll join in my journey and start one of your own – regardless of your religion or religious beliefs.
Humor can be found in all failure. Let’s talk about the shows we’ve watched, the best chips, and all we’ve learned as we put the remote (or our phones) down.
And yes, this is/was a selfie!
Each of us can probably use a little hope right about now. And the world needs each of us to be our best to create a healthier, more balanced and peaceful world – the Jewish idea of Tikun Olam. Each of us contributes one piece of the puzzle to heal and grow and healthy world. Let’s do it individually and together! Shana Tovah and wishing us all a healthy and fulfilling year!
This is the first thing to rid yourself of this year – none of us succeeds on our own. Start with thanking everyone around you for your success and for all they bring to your life.
I’m texting/calling everyone with that message this week.
So here it is, July 4th, the US day of Independence and celebrating freedom. It’s been about 250 years since we won independence from the Brits and started on this democratic journey to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. With everything going on here in this great country of ours, and around the world, I have to stop and ask: so how’s this going for us?
Per my usual: this is long – but please – think through your own USA Identity as shown below – or whichever country you call home!
From a Human Nature perspective, as I’ve wandered around Harrisburg, the state capital of Pennsylvania, I started wondering about defining my identity as a US citizen. I say US, not just ‘American. ‘American’ includes all countries north and south of our border.
Celebrating Ukraine’s Independence Day in 2018 in Ivano Frankivsk. I served as Peace Corps volunteer in Poltava, a city much further east, and fortunately still ‘safe’ from Russia’s carnage.
Here, we celebrate with barbecues and fireworks, holiday sales (on line now I guess…). Wouldn’t this be fun:
In Ukraine, with Independence still being new-ish, hard fought, and treasured, a large blue/yellow ‘flag’ is unfurled and people gather to grab on and walk down the street. I’d say this one was easily the length of a long city block.
Imagine the joy and energy of celebrating Ukraine’s Independence when it wins this war – I know I’ll want to be there.
Identity as defined by Mother Nature is straightforward (and influenced by the environment): 3 components. Human Nature is complicated: We can change almost everything about our identity based on our needs and wants, and, environment.
DNA/Genotype (bluepring)
Appearance/Phenotype (guided by my DNA)
Qualities and Characteristics/Niche also guided by DNA which make (us) good at a particular role in the community.
So here goes: How I define myself as a US/American?
DNA/Genotype: Only in the USA do we ask: what are you aka where are you (roots/parents/grandparent) from. Like all US citizens (EXCEPT NATIVE AMERICANS), my DNA is from ‘abroad’ – 99% Eastern European Ashkenazi Jewish. Where exactly depends on the ‘border of the day’, but I’m probably 50% Ukrainian (now- originally my paternal grandfather was from the eastern Poland area known as the ‘the Pale’), 25% Polish, 25% Hungarian OR Czech OR Romanian (I believe my maternal Grandmother usually claimed Hungary). I am a female and use the pronouns she, her.
The USA was founded on opening its doors to foreigners wanting a new and better life. A freer life without pogroms (Anti- Semitic massacres of Jews in Eastern Europe at the turn of the 19th century as shown in ‘Fiddler on the Roof’), religious persecution/hate crimes, class poverty, etc. My mother, who died in Pittsburgh before the Tree of Life slaughter, used to say the USA was the only place in the world it was safe to be a Jew. Even when the immigration gates were open from 1880-1920, there was backlash to the immigrants who fled Eastern Europe, Italy, Ireland, Eurasia and everywhere in between. Even though these same immigrants catapulted the USA into superpower status, contributing their zest for ‘the American Dream’, ingenuity, skills and qualities (niche). The USA as a melting pot, to me, is what has made America great: I’m proud of my DNA as an Eastern European descendent and as a current US citizen for this mix of cultures and backgrounds and openness (kinda???)!
I wonder: How do newer immigrants define their USA identity. Equally: WHY do people want to immigrate and become USA citizens?
Appearance/Phenotype: What do you see when you look in the mirror? First, I’m white. This has gifted me privileges in this country. Thanks to my Eastern European DNA I have slightly curly, humidity-frizzy, dark hair. (Though graying.) Sure I’m heavier than my mother told me DNA prescribed, but as US citizens we do tend to be larger – thanks to relatively good health, a healthy diet, and, dental care (did I mention I was OLD(er)?), I am a part of that energetic older set of USA-ers. Most of all, my teeth define me as a July 4th celebrator: relatively white, straight, and regularly flashed. I smile – a lot. As a nation we’re big smilers. Another reason I’m appreciative of my USA identity: relatively decent access to decent food and services and an emphasis on taking care of myself. And smiling – it’s my best quality!
Qualities/Niche: What are your most natural and treasured skills and characteristics? For me: Pessimism is creeping in, but as a USA-er and thanks to my DNA, I am an optimist with a can-do attitude. My DNA, through experiences and failures, has uncovered qualities of creativity and humor. Thanks to my USA freedom (and usually/sometimes) not believing I had to follow rules, I have explored and dabbled, all leading to my creating of Learning From Mother Nature and believing I can ‘sell it’. Thanks also to a strong USA economy – including now with Bidenomics – I’ve been able to save, invest, and survive financially (though it’s been living on less than I’ve made). I’m appreciative of my USA identity allowing me freedom to explore (also dependent on WHEN I lived/worked).
As a USA-er, and thanks to my personal qualities I’ve been able to travel and flash my USA passport to easily get into almost every country around the globe. I was able to enter – and exit – Eastern Europe (unknowingly the root of my DNA) when Russia clenched it’s reign on the Iron Curtain. (And one ridiculous reason why Putin is immorally destroying Ukraine – to ‘bring the band back together’. Is authoritarianism part of the Russian leader identity?) Few citizens around the globe can come and go – a freedom and right I’m appreciative of.
BUT – there are many things on this July 4th I’m hoping the founding fathers would be embarrassed and upset by:
Increasing xenophobia and resentment of those who are different – both here and around the world.
No real emphasis on education and creating an educated society.
Not taking environmental responsibility for the American Dream we’ve exported and has turned into a global nightmare of plastic pollution and excess.
Indifference to caring for others both down the street and around the globe.
Indifference to our history and the history of the world. For example, not realizing the threat Russia’s immoral war in Ukraine holds both for Ukraine and the world.
Ignorance and indifference that too much is just too much and it’s destroying us.
The low reading, math, history, science scores of US students and citizens compared to the rest of the ‘developed’ world.
That the 2nd amendment, the right to own fire arms has turned frightened, disenfranchised citizens into mass murders – legally able to own guns.
That this same 2nd amendment has shown how afraid we are of the ‘enemy’ – and the enemy is ourselves and each other.
We can do better, I hope, if we rethink and reclaim the principles of the founding fathers. Please think about this and add to the list:
*Improving education and focusing on a knowledgable population – not on fear and social media influencers but on facts.
**Openness to others – not letting our fear of differences/xenophobia grow inside.
**Our can-do USA attitude of leading the world in health and safety – starting here by providing universal health and dental care to all.
Enough about me – what about YOU. Just because you’ll read this after July 4th, after the BBQ, and fireworks, start the conversation with others. And please share here with all of us.
Sure there’s so much more – but I’ll let you think what it means for YOUR USA identity. What you are grateful for, and what you would like to change. What can we do differently?
Notice how early travelers and immigrants brought what they thought they needed and wanted to new worlds.
And wanted what everyone else had too even before shipping crates sailed the ocean blue to an Amazon warehouse near you.
For months – no really years – I’ve been taking screen shots of headlines from my newsapp. Amazing how all these things that seem so wonderful are messing up the world – and more specifically – our lives. So I thought I’d just share them with – a little environmental summer holiday gift! Enjoy???????
Shopping for the summer holiday?
That cute top was likely shipped on the ocean blue and it’s more likely it will end up as micro-plastic back there.
The glory of war – a reminder this needs to stop.
Water too often seems like it’s free.
Oh, DUH – more plastic????
And FYI, plastic is from fossil fuels too.
Is there any place that ISN’T clogged with plastic!
Hmm, why doesn’t anyone just realize using LESS plastic is the only way to save us all.
Does everything need to be packaged as much as it is?
All that paper and packaging comes from trees – often clear cut from a mountain side that may be washed down the hill with all these crazy storms we’re getting.
It’s everywhere it seems – and the piles of crap that litter shorelines and end up in dumps are just ending up back in our drinking water and soil. OUCH.
Each of us can decide what headline makes the news. What about each of us using less, shopping less, wanting less stuff and more nature experiences: Mother Nature AND Human Nature interactions!
WIIFM (What’s In It For Me) is the motivation radio station for deciding: “am I going to dance to this action or not?”WIIFM is asked when (for environmental action) getting out of bed in the morning, when starting – or finishing a task (even for work!), and, deciding the type of (symbiotic) relationship to create with yourself, and others.
The answer to What’s In It For Me is always about whether needs (or wants) or met for actions and relationships. What exactly IS a relationship?
Mother Nature’s Symbiosis tied to Identity
Mother Nature defines relationships through symbiosis: a win, lose or some combination for each of the individuals involved.
Mother Nature seems to make the intent of each relationship simple: based on the identity of the organism (and based on the environment) depends on whether an organism will ‘win’ or ‘lose’ in the interaction. It’s also about the community winning (or losing).
Sure there is parasitism (a Win for one, Lose for the other) in Mother Nature. Actions are based on meeting basic needs (like food!). Overall, the intent is Win-Win for the community. For one individual to succeed ALL must succeed – even when someone gets eaten for food ( a definite! lose for them.)
Human Nature Symbiosis is a Choice based on Emotions
In our EMOTIONAL Human Nature world, symbiosis is NOT based on our identity. Interactions and relationships with others is a CHOICE resulting in WIN-WIN: Mutualism, or, WIN-LOSE: Parasitism or more commonly competition. Emotion sways the choice: individual identity is either protected (win-lose) or promoted (win-win) . (This does NOT include war and Hate Crimes and other acts of violence – for now we can keep it simpler.).
WIIFM answers needs – competing for emotional protection means the competitor is protecting their identity by making the other lose. Sometimes I think competition (not for food/safety) is as much about NOT losing (identity). Protection is the ‘win’.What do you think???
Choice based on emotion means symbiosis can be examined, understood and even changed using the Scientific Method.
We CAN create win-wins – if it meets our needs. The key is understanding WHY we turn to competition/parasitism. Go ahead – state your thoughts aka hypothesis.
It’ starts with ‘hello’ or a look/glance:
Too often we see someone and make a quick hypothesis of who they are and what they think (about us). BOOM – we act based on this assumption.
Personally, I’ve been ignored based on my appearance and being a ‘visitor’ -no answers even to my questions (about them) have left me feeling lonely (in settings I thought I’d be welcomed!).
It’s more than appearance – even having different experiences (or thoughts – think politics in this current time) can create assumptions – and a win-LOSE interaction – by NOT interacting.
This is how all great romance movies and novels start!
Jane Austin’s Pride and Prejudice, Rom-Coms and Hallmark movies are great at showing this: that negative first impression laced with fear and protecting identity. The meanness shield comes up and the win-lose competition brews. And THEN, the protective competitor going for the the other to LOSE, learns more about this person they ‘fear’. This learning creates the fertile soil for growing a win-win relationship. This win-win becomes their love story, and it could be for each of us also!
Keep in mind Lizzie Bennet and Mr. Darcy… This is how it started – NOT how it ended
Emotions and actions/words are assumptions.
Observe and listen to your emotions: what comes to mind in interactions? WHY is this what comes to mind?
Fear of losing identity? That OMG – is the other person better? Or maybe you imaginewhat you think they are thinking about you? You THINK they might think you’re not so great. Not so great because one of you is different, an outsider (the basis of xenophobia!).
It’s normal! IF you think these thoughts – IF you fear not being seen/heard/understood and/or appreciated – the MEANNESS/Protection shield comes up and a Win-Lose relationship is created.
Remember though, this is all YOUR hypothesis – now it’s time to experiment! Just because you assume doesn’t mean you have to compete – you can learn about the other person!
This could have been how Pride and Prejudice ended – but then it would NOT have been the masterpiece it is!
Putting up a shield of protection to claim a ‘WIN’ takes many forms. Here are some conversations I’ve had (and accepted the ‘lose)’.
Emotional win-lose creates imbalances in relationships : emotional safety ( expressing feelings), and affiliation/recognition (acknowledgment of a fuller identity) decreases or is lost.
Win-Lose interactions are lonely. It may seem like a Win for the ‘expert’ but it’s a Lose for the other and a LOSE for a potential relationship.
Listen: Sounds and Words. Imagine intent:
Creating win-lose interactions takes many forms. It seems strange someone would want to WIN by feeling worse…
Claiming this ‘WIN’ might be to form a connection of shared pain. NOT listening to someone FIRST who’s expressing their pain turns this into a competition and a LOSE.
There is always more to each of us just like Mr. Darcy wasn’t who Lizzie thought he was.
Turn Prejudice to Pride and choose to learn about others: create win-win relationships. Choose love stories!
Sharing is important. Choose NOT to compete. Choose to be kind – to yourself first and then to others – create mutualistic relationships.
First – Listen and ask questions.
LISTENING creates a mutual win- win. Listening (and asking questions) is the key for win-wins since it builds safety within the relationship.
Win-Wins are give and take
Listening is important for ALL in a relationship. Beware if one person does all the talking – without inquiring about the other.
Unfortunately, I have friends who talk but don’t seem curious about me. (It’s obviously ME and my identity is secure: I don’t think of myself as boring!) The relationship becomes commensalism (see above) and lonely: They ‘WIN’ in being heard, I ‘LOSE’ in acknowledgment. Maintaining the relationship meets other needs.
Curiosity through Communication was how Lizzie learned more about Mr. Darcy. Understanding leads to Win-Win Connections
Curiosity is a relationship strength, forming connections and win-wins. Not sure how to ask questions (curiosity)? Use variables from the Scientific Method. Ask questions with WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, WHY, HOW.
Start writing your own love story: Overcome your Prejudice and assumptions. Pride is openness to listening and learning about others.
Curiosity uncovers new facts, making new hypothesis/theories.
Curiosity is the key to connection – building Win-Wins.
These questions are a guide for using variables. When in doubt, simply say: Tell me More!
I love when someone actually tells me to keep talking – to finish my ‘stuff’ before I ask about them!
Creating Mutual Win-Wins is a skill. Choose to learn. Listening is NOT a ‘LOSE’ of your Identity.
Mutual curiosity leads to win-wins. NO need for competition or fear of assumptions.
Choose to listen, be curious and support others!
Begin writing your own romance story today. Take your Prejudice/fear of losing your identity and ask questions, listen. Being open is the greatest source of Pride to overcome Prejudice!
This turned into a long post and includes pictures from my Peace Corps service in Poltava, Ukraine 2018-19. Enjoy!
As you read and look at many of the pictures! , ask yourself:How do you define your identity and what is your fear in losing it? What would you do to protect your identity?
Plato said: Be Kind: for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle. How true, right? I used to say it doesn’t matter the battle. Now I say that battle is a FEAR – a fear of losing (one’s) identity. Think about it: what else is worth a battle other than fear of losing your identity – how you view and define yourself emotionally, intellectually and physically. That fear comes out whether it’s an argument or even listening to someone with a different life experience.
Fear not to lose didn’t start with the battle of wearing masks; Putin’s didn’t begin with his genocide in Ukraine.
Plato was (likely) referring to our internal emotional battle’s and not one fought on physical ground. (I assume he was acknowledging individual insecure fears!) Yet, doesn’t every bullet fired begin with this fear? This fear of losing identity. A fear that becomes: I’ll get you to make me feel good/better/whole, etc. etc. etc.??? Fear resulting in: I’ll get you first – and worse – so I don’t lose – you do instead? Isn’t this fear being written after every mass shooting here in the USA where the shooter has felt slighted, bullied, demeaned? Is this fear applicable to Russia’s invasion of Ukraine?
Global wars, like the Holocaust began with Hitler’s fear, personal insecurity, and low self-esteem. Now think of the current genocidal leader: Putin. Putin and his fear of losing his own personal legacy and his fear of Russia losing its identity as an authoritarian world power.
As Pluto would advise on personal levels, we should listen with kindness.
In this GLOBAL situation with Russia and Putin, kindness, unfortunately isn’t enough – not now.
Sadly, can’t you imagine Putin saying this? Can’t you imagine every bully having these fears and insecurities with the intent of making others lives miserable?
So many headlines imply this fear of Putin’s:
Much is being written of Russia’s past (and current) atrocities. Russia’s past fears that have erupted into death and destruction. And of course Putin himself is being analyzed as to what’s going through his mind. I say, let’s acknowledge Putin’s FEAR.
These words and warnings of Putin’s reaction to fear of losing have been written over and over: Let’s remember this war is about his FEAR – his FEAR not to lose.
Putin’s fear has turned into a physical, violent battle against Ukraine, the environment, the west, all of civilization, and what it means to be human – even to Russians themselves.
If this sounds dramatic, it’s meant to. After more than a year of a treacherous and meaningless war against Ukraine meant ONLY to defend/protect Putin’s ego/legacy and the image of Russia as treacherous, it’s time to learn from his fear that’s turned to a global battle to our individual fears that erupt into small battles with ourselves, others, and the environment.
A year ago, Putin’s fear of losing produced this explanation.
Fear of losing should be listened to: whether it’s ours, buried inside that comes out in self-defeating ways. Fears that erupt into conflicts that are safer than talking to each other with kindness.
Fear of losing is fierce (think of personal anger and vendettas you hold on to). NOW, think of Putin‘s fear of losing – and see the horrific destruction he’s caused – including the recent Kakhovka dam bombing- an act of ecocide along with the genocide.
Shared by my Ukrainian friend Ira L. – Russia’s bombing/destruction of the Kakhovka dam is ecocide and will have long-term impact in a world and region already suffering from ecosystem/environmental dangers.
Add ecocide to genocide and we all have to ask how Putin, how Russia can continue – how the UN, how the world is allowing this.
March 17, 2023. Words without action. WHY????
Putin’s fear of losing should be addressed with global power – a physical battle won’t work – too many lives and too much has been lost already. But it’s time the world unites and recognizes his fear and realizes he and Russia MUST lose this time. His fear must be acknowledged and STOPPED. Before his fear becomes a bigger fear for us all.
Aug 20, 1996 — 11, 1994 Russia sends troops to Chechnya, starting military campaign to crush Dudayevs independence movement. January 1995 Russian troops and …
Ukraine is NOT Russia’s first genocidal ‘rodeo’.
The Holodomor, Russia’s imposed famine on Ukraine in 1932-33 was one of Russia’s fear based genocides, not to lose status as a super power: stealing grain to pay for weapons. (Watch the movie Mr. Jones on Amazon!) Photos here are from Poltava, Ukraine (2019) during my Peace Corps service there in 2018-19.
Memorializing WWII dead, VE day, May 8, 2018.
VE day is a solemn and serious commemoration in Ukraine and throughout Europe where battles were fought in their streets, and in places like Ukraine where mass killings (of Jews particularly) are too often buried beneath overgrown fields unacknowledged. There are many reminders – past and once again present – of the horrors humankind can impose on each other.
Fear of losing identity turned around – showing Ukraine’s strength to protect and uphold her identity as a democracy.
Ukraine is also fighting this fear of losing its identity. An identity of a free, independent democracy free of corruption. A national identity of a country that leads with tech innovation, beautiful clothes, culture, art, music, etc. An identity of a country that feeds the world with its rich, black, nutrition-filled soil. An identity of celebrations of everything. And I hope, soon, the identity of a tourist-must see place. Ukraine’s proud cultural identity holds so much to see, do and experience.
Here are pictures demonstrating what protecting a proud cultural identity looks like:
Ukraine Independence Day 2018 – here and above.
Yes, every holiday is celebrated there. Imagine the celebrations – and the grief-filled memorials after this war is won.
Below, pictures from Poltava Day (celebrating the founding of the town I served as a Peace Corps volunteer) , 2018. A day when (mostly) University students wear their traditional dress (vyshivankas ) and march through the town, ending at a park where even the pets wear traditional clothes.
See why Ukrainians are fighting so hard: They know the power of Ukrainian identity. Ukrainians are proud of their strong culture, accomplishments, and goals. Ukrainians are working hard to join the west through education, learning languages, and IT innovation.
Ukraine is proud of her many artists and writers, including Nikolai Gogol. Gogol is from the Poltava region; here in Myrhorod, a spa town where people come to drink the mineral waters, sculptures from Gogol’s many works are displayed in a park.
Myhrhorod was recently bombed by the Russians – attacking another cultural spot?
Too often current times have felt like we are all living in the 1930’s. Starting with Trump’s election here in the USA in 2016, the rise of Anti-Semitism in the USA and around the world, and in general a rise in bullying and hate crimes of so many ‘others’ including Asians during the pandemic is scary. It should have all of us scared. Putin’s invasion of Ukraine is a bit like Hitler’s of Poland isn’t it? Remember the world – especially the USA went after Hitler with the strength and conviction needed – even though the knowledge of the danger was known. Shouldn’t the world’s leaders know better now? It’s like Ukraine is fighting Putin – modern day Hitler on her own. And this is why the world should help Ukraine.
Putin’s fear of losing and current genocide and ecocide should be taken as carefully as Hitler’s fear of losing was NOT, erupting into WWII and the Holocaust.
Remember ‘Fiddler on the Roof’? Jewish culture has strong roots in Ukraine, and here at Hadiach, in Poltava region, is buried Reb Shneur Zalman of Liadi, and many Hasidic come to pray at his grave.
These amazing paintings were done by one of the caretakers.
I really felt like every weekend was commemorating Ukrainian culture, reminding me of the strength and pride of Ukrainian identity.
Ivano Kupala night where women make flower wreaths to float down the river and found by their intended. And there’s jumping over fire too – or just dancing around it.
I danced but felt hopeless to send a flower wreath down the river.
I spent hours sitting in lovely cafes drinking lattes and eating hand-made chocolates (Ukraine is very European in that way – make plans to go soon). Another entertainment was challenging myself to read signs.
This sign simply reads ‘Fast Food’ and shawarma – I admit it always took me a minute or so to read signs – even after a year!
Poltava boasts the home of two authors, including Vladimir Korolenko. This was one book I could read since it had been translated into English.
Ukraine trains have sleeping compartments since it often takes hours to cross the country. The sleeper car to the right is 3rd class – but look at all those comfy looking bunks made up! And truly, this was the best way to travel – never noisy after about 10 pm and as comfy as it looks! And if you’re squeamish looking at this, the sheets come in plastic bags, washed and ready to use!
This is what a 40 year old Volga (Russian made car) looks like alongside it’s 3rd generation owner, V. who worked with foreign students at the University. V. drove me when securing my visa – and the door was a bit wonky, but, it drove!
Easter bread – isn’t it beautiful!(Unfortunately at the same time as Passover!)
The ‘best’ toilet at the University. Never have I been so glad NOT to have suede shoes….
This won’t surprise anyone who traveled to Europe – I”m thinking specifically France last century – or as I remember from the early 1980’s!
I didn’t expect this to turn into such a long post – or to include my own pictures. As you’ve read through I hope you’ll now read through headlines of Russia’s rationale for invasion and destruction and think about Russian/Putin identity.
My intent is hope you now read about Ukrainian action and strength with thoughts of her fighting for this Ukrainian identity.
Ask: What’s In It For Me to focus on this fear of losing identity, with global and personal conflict.
Ask yourself: What would I do to protect MY identity (and what IS that identity)? What do I do when someone ‘attacks’ with words or action that make me fear a ‘lose’? How many conflicts in MY life can I tie back to identity?
Please share your thoughts – strengthen your identity by putting it into words – you deserve it and we all need to benefit from what you have to share.
Support Ukraine in this battle – and support yourself so you can support others in expressing a strong and proud identity.
Well it can be – or it should be. I’ve written about Identity – uncovering that naked/truest self to be ‘FIT’ and balanced. But what are those relationships and what is symbiosis (unless of of course you watched Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and the symbiont).
Of course (?) Identity is uncovered where needs are met – and covered tight where relationships create a fear-inducing environment.
Like most of us, I’ve always thought of relationship categories: family, friends, lovers, colleagues, acquaintances, etc. When I started working on Learning From Mother Nature , I broadened my thoughts of human interactions to Four Key Relationships:
Four key relations that enhance or detract my ‘FIT’ and meet or don’t meet my needs:
Self
Others
Environment
Economy
Throwing the idea of ‘FIT’ and (Maslow’s) needs into the mix it gets complicated and fun. It’s simpler to understand Human Nature through Mother Nature (I’m biased obviously) so, I turned to her definition of relationships: Symbiosis.
Mutualistic and parasitic are the main Symbiosis; here’s a look at the three main ones:
It’s as if Mother Nature defines relationship based on the result or outcome (win – lose – or some combination) of the interaction – whether it’s intended or not!
Interestingly, it’s probably parasitism that’s most known.
Learning from Mother Nature acknowledges all relationships. Take it slowly: Fear, needs/WIIFM’s impact guide our actions – do we want to create a win? Or a lose for the other so WE don’t lose? Whoa! read that last sentence again: creating a lose for the other so we don’t lose (our identity!). Yikes, right?
Back to Identity BECAUSE our most IMPORTANT relationship is: ‘self’ relationship. Now, there’s so much talk about ‘self-care’ which often ties to good food, sleep, and a spa day. All those are important. AND: Mother Nature would define self-care as behavior that enhances your ‘win’. Win is ‘FIT’ for being and expressing your truest identity.
Show off your creativity: if you haven’t filled in this drawing – do it NOW!!!!
First and foremost – your ‘self’ relationship will guide every other relationship. Really examine:
What’s in your Identity ‘bag’? WHY do have the relationship you have with yourself?
Here’s a loose way to look at it: if I say I want to lose weight and then I eat a large bag of chips every night, my behavior is creating a ‘lose’. A small bag of chips a day or two a week, that is easily commensalism – more of a neutral. (The bigger question is WHY I’m creating a ‘lose’ but we have to wait for that one – though it’s related of course to needs and fears.)
‘Self’ relationship is as complicated as others. Here’s a view of the power of words creating a ‘win’ – and ‘lose’ relationship – with self.
Mutualism, creating win-win relationships in your life, starts with kindness to yourself.
Feeling bad? Acknowledge it, even if it’s to yourself. Express your feelings and fears – you’re allowed to have them and be hugged for having them.
Go back and define your identity like in the chart above.
Look in the mirror and tell yourself everything you do well and why you deserve to express your identity fully – from your DNA roots, to
Describe: How your appearance promotes (does it? If not what does it say about you?) your identity and how you feel about yourself (if you have on something that makes you feel bad – take it off and give it away), and
Explain: Your niche/qualities and characteristics that make you feel happy because you know these qualities are important and you’re good at them whether others recognize them or not.
Start YOUR journey today if you haven’t already.
Uncover your identity find your best ‘FIT’ to create the ‘WIN’ self relationship you deserve.
DiSC assessment tool
This is a great assessment tool to identify your communication/behavioral style. When you take it be sure to focus on one aspect of your life.
Communication Essentials 