Archive | March, 2014

Don’t waste my time: 3 steps to avoid conflict

4 Mar

What triggers set you off?

Admittedly, I’m unsure of my specific plans to sell my apartment, but when a potential realtor said, ‘I don’t want to waste my time’, my communication skills went the way of affordable middle-class housing in NYC (non-existent).

www.talkingdollarsandcents.net.  Hey I'm selling a studio apartment and all my worldly possessions!

www.talkingdollarsandcents.net. Hey I’m selling a studio apartment and all my worldly possessions!

So I thought about triggers.  Triggers that get pulled and explode in either conflict and/or nasty feelings.  We all have them: those intangible minefields, verbal or nonverbal (tone of voice or ‘scrunched’ faces) that upset our equilibrium about how we feel about ourselves, our lives, and the world we live in.

So why did the flippant comment of this realtor bug me so much and what did it remind me of ‘fighting words’?

Current emotional residence:  Conflict is always about what is going on inside.  Selling my external/physical residence feels freeing, but as my next step is uncertain, internally I’m emotionally fragile.    The stress of ‘when’ to sell was heightened as my uncertainty met with her impatience.

Expectations:  It is wrong, but I still expect to be treated with some semblance of kindness, goodwill, compassion by others – especially in a situation where I am the customer and will make her money.   A little empathy goes a long way I always think to reminding me I am in a ‘human’ relationship.

Communication style differences:  Yes, I know different people focus on different things.  I focus on relationships whether it is in selling my apartment or going to the dentist.   In a busy city in our modern 24/7 life it a reminder  others favor tasks and getting things done over a warm fuzzy relationship shouldn’t surprise me – and yet…  And while I ultimately want a task focused realtor, this realtor’s task approach left me feeling like I do when the ‘F’ train suddenly goes express leaving me in the freezing cold on an outdoor subway platform.

Needless to say, I let this realtor know I wouldn’t list with her.  Her verbal comments and nonverbal tone made me feel like my sell was ‘pocket change’ which it is, but still….  I recommended I would have preferred a ‘let’s see if this will work for both of us’ approach.

www.featurepics.com  The math equation we all have memorized!

www.featurepics.com The math equation we all have memorized!

Time is money and it always has been.    As a consultant, I’ve spent months patiently calling potential clients to discuss their needs.  Sometimes its paid off, quite often not.  Is there anything more valuable than money?  I suppose that is up to each of us to decide.  Like I said, I focus on relationships.  Granted, one reason why I am selling a VERY low commission apartment!

So as l ditch my cheap little apartment, not only don’t I want my time wasted – more importantly I don’t want my good nature destroyed.  So here is my 3 step reminder to myself (and any potential realtor or substitute realtor for any person of potential conflict) to prevent conflict and make a sell:

1.  Compassion:  Realize when someone is seeking ‘help’ they are (likely) feeling vulnerable.  Compassion like empathy goes a long way.  I know it’s so last century, but ‘be nice’.

https://www.kindsnacks.com/store#All-KIND-Products.  Healthy snacks earn a profit with the message to do kind things for others

https://www.kindsnacks.com/store#All-KIND-Products. Healthy snacks earn a profit with the message to do kind things for others and (basically be nice)

2. Expectations:  (see above) and: I don’t know my potential clients expectations (hell, as a seller in this situation I barely know mine!).  This is a reminder to compassionately ask:  what are your expectations for working with me?  It’s not meant to be an end to negotiations, only a good beginning.  And a good first step to ensure no-one’s time is wasted.

3.  Connect with style:  (see above) and: remember we all have different styles and ways to go about doing the same things.  This is why we are always grousing about partners, significant others, and friends.  In reality no-one does things the way we do.  So my most important reminder:  LISTEN to what someone is asking/telling to understand what the other person needs.  A simple:  ‘tell me more’ goes a long way to not wasting time on either end.

Wishing you ‘easy sells’  and interactions filled with connection, calm, and compassionate!

Advertisements

3 Steps to Hitting the “ReStart” for 2014

3 Mar

We’re well into 2014: are you still focused on those resolutions to achieve your best?

I’ve been wondering why so many resolutions go unfulfilled each year.  Fortunately I have lots of data:  my own actions and inactions.  Each year  I start with the best of intentions, yet, forget to clear out the “old junk” which initially created the “problem” to begin with.   I realized I  reboot (restarting a computer program with or without turning off the power), when I need to restart (a “platinum” reboot shutting everything down before turning back on refreshed) my internal programming each year.

www.daimanuel.com Check out this great post!

www.daimanuel.com Check out this great post!

So thanks to three January “in-box” prompts (below), I’ve restarted my 2014 (and life) thinking since I’m planning a platinum life reboot.

1.  Are you asking the right question?  This question but not the sender’s identity stuck with me.  Hmmm, were my resolutions (and me) stuck because I ask wrong questions?   (Spoiler alert:  Yup!)  Wrestling with my major move’s next step, I’ve been asking:  what will I do to find new clients and earn a living (a usual resolution and necessity to be sure).   Yet I realized I’ve asked this over and over while finding myself duck taped to inaction.  Why?  Because quite simply, this isn’t my right question.   Turns out my right restart question is harder and scarier: “what will I do with my life that will make my heart sing and allow me to feel like “me”?    Once asked, I had to stop and listen to my answer.   YEA!  Kinda…  I realized it’s time for me to do something really, really different with my life and the great skills I have.

 2.  ‘What would you do if you weren’t afraid?‘  Prompted agent Rachelle Garner rachelle@thewordstudio.com.   Geeze… tackling my ‘right’ question requires ousting that fear I unconsciously flaunt like a favorite bauble.    During the Jewish New Year I saw beneath my fear.  And guess what I found?  SHAME!  Shame in the guise of concrete overshoes has weighed me down making it easy to drag my feet and stay dormant.  Shame of having lost myself and all I had left behind.  (And turning into a dog chasing his tail type of thing.)  The thing about shame is, it’s embarrassing to admit to myself and others because it is so…  Well you know – like Brene Brown says, it is an unspoken epidemic.  This is powerful stuff:  Brene Brown http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/Brene-Brown-on-the-3-Things-You-Can-Do-to-Stop-a-Shame-Spiral-Video  and her TED talk http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html.

3.  De-clutter:  This prompt comes from just about everywhere.    I know I’m not alone in loving my stuff – Chachkes, jewelry, scarves, jackets, books, papers, you name it- even though I constantly talk and write about living luxuriously on less.   My answer to what do I de-clutter?   Everything:  stuff, people, ideas – everything that feeds fear (and my shame) and keeps me dormant.    Honestly though, the idea of de-cluttering is overwhelming even when I’m not buying more.  And this stuff I love is part of who I am – how I define myself and share that identity with the world.  If I don’t have it, then who am I?  (And I’d guess why must of us don’t de-clutter) But the right question is:  Will divesting ‘stuff’ free me – and my shame – to live the life I want now?   My right answer: YES!!  So after years of holding on, I’m moving on by getting rid of almost all my beautiful clutter.  Let me know if you’re in NYC and need an apartment, or antique furniture!

Brene Brown urges us to share shame to move forward.  Good advice. By sharing, I’m shedding mine along with my earthly antique possessions and antiquated beliefs about what I should be doing.  My ‘ball’ is in motion and I’m waiting impatiently to receive word about my next step.  I’m excited and scared but my load is free(er) of clutter.

What about you?  Are you living and doing what you really want?  Start and share your own journey,  by personalizing these prompts:

  1. What’s your right question????
  2. What’s hiding beneath your fear keeping you stuck?
  3. What can you de-clutter from your life to free you (emotionally and physically)?

I’ll share my progress and plan once I receive word.  Share what you’re up to also.  Let’s make 2014 a real step forward in our life’s journey.