Tag Archives: understanding others

Don’t waste my time: 3 steps to avoid conflict

4 Mar

What triggers set you off?

Admittedly, I’m unsure of my specific plans to sell my apartment, but when a potential realtor said, ‘I don’t want to waste my time’, my communication skills went the way of affordable middle-class housing in NYC (non-existent).

www.talkingdollarsandcents.net.  Hey I'm selling a studio apartment and all my worldly possessions!

www.talkingdollarsandcents.net. Hey I’m selling a studio apartment and all my worldly possessions!

So I thought about triggers.  Triggers that get pulled and explode in either conflict and/or nasty feelings.  We all have them: those intangible minefields, verbal or nonverbal (tone of voice or ‘scrunched’ faces) that upset our equilibrium about how we feel about ourselves, our lives, and the world we live in.

So why did the flippant comment of this realtor bug me so much and what did it remind me of ‘fighting words’?

Current emotional residence:  Conflict is always about what is going on inside.  Selling my external/physical residence feels freeing, but as my next step is uncertain, internally I’m emotionally fragile.    The stress of ‘when’ to sell was heightened as my uncertainty met with her impatience.

Expectations:  It is wrong, but I still expect to be treated with some semblance of kindness, goodwill, compassion by others – especially in a situation where I am the customer and will make her money.   A little empathy goes a long way I always think to reminding me I am in a ‘human’ relationship.

Communication style differences:  Yes, I know different people focus on different things.  I focus on relationships whether it is in selling my apartment or going to the dentist.   In a busy city in our modern 24/7 life it a reminder  others favor tasks and getting things done over a warm fuzzy relationship shouldn’t surprise me – and yet…  And while I ultimately want a task focused realtor, this realtor’s task approach left me feeling like I do when the ‘F’ train suddenly goes express leaving me in the freezing cold on an outdoor subway platform.

Needless to say, I let this realtor know I wouldn’t list with her.  Her verbal comments and nonverbal tone made me feel like my sell was ‘pocket change’ which it is, but still….  I recommended I would have preferred a ‘let’s see if this will work for both of us’ approach.

www.featurepics.com  The math equation we all have memorized!

www.featurepics.com The math equation we all have memorized!

Time is money and it always has been.    As a consultant, I’ve spent months patiently calling potential clients to discuss their needs.  Sometimes its paid off, quite often not.  Is there anything more valuable than money?  I suppose that is up to each of us to decide.  Like I said, I focus on relationships.  Granted, one reason why I am selling a VERY low commission apartment!

So as l ditch my cheap little apartment, not only don’t I want my time wasted – more importantly I don’t want my good nature destroyed.  So here is my 3 step reminder to myself (and any potential realtor or substitute realtor for any person of potential conflict) to prevent conflict and make a sell:

1.  Compassion:  Realize when someone is seeking ‘help’ they are (likely) feeling vulnerable.  Compassion like empathy goes a long way.  I know it’s so last century, but ‘be nice’.

https://www.kindsnacks.com/store#All-KIND-Products.  Healthy snacks earn a profit with the message to do kind things for others

https://www.kindsnacks.com/store#All-KIND-Products. Healthy snacks earn a profit with the message to do kind things for others and (basically be nice)

2. Expectations:  (see above) and: I don’t know my potential clients expectations (hell, as a seller in this situation I barely know mine!).  This is a reminder to compassionately ask:  what are your expectations for working with me?  It’s not meant to be an end to negotiations, only a good beginning.  And a good first step to ensure no-one’s time is wasted.

3.  Connect with style:  (see above) and: remember we all have different styles and ways to go about doing the same things.  This is why we are always grousing about partners, significant others, and friends.  In reality no-one does things the way we do.  So my most important reminder:  LISTEN to what someone is asking/telling to understand what the other person needs.  A simple:  ‘tell me more’ goes a long way to not wasting time on either end.

Wishing you ‘easy sells’  and interactions filled with connection, calm, and compassionate!

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Prevent Genocide and Bullying: 12 Ways to Swallow an Empathy Pill

23 Jul

Step 2 of 6… How Only you can prevent Bullying

How many pairs of shoes lurk in your closet and under the bed?

shoes lurking in DSW aisles - heaven for the shoe obsessed

shoes lurking in DSW aisles – heaven for the shoe obsessed

I know shoe obsession goes beyond Imelda Marcos and Carrie Bradshaw.  Not me.  I am foot challenged.

So while I don’t ‘get it’, I think I understand the foot ware obsession:

It’s hard walking a mile in our own shoes:  much less imagining what it’s like to walk in someone else’s.

Unable to walk that proverbial mile in another’s shoes, allows judgment to step in.  Suddenly, it’s harder to understand those blisters, bunions, corns, callous’s that fancy heel-wearer is sporting.

If only it were as easy to try on someone else's perspective!

If only it were as easy to try on someone else’s perspective!

Empathy, like a shoe-horn, slides you into someone else’s shoes.   But I wonder: do we want that kind of pain?  Even if  it’s the pain we can relate to?

It’s easier to look at ‘them’: unemployed, lonely, fired, depressed, awkward, broke, purposely different, fat, alone –  with disdain and distance.  It’s easier to acknowledge:  “That would never happen to ME!”

Like preventing the flu, keeping (emotional) distance is a preventative measure.

If you have to get close, perhaps you think ‘they’ deserve what they got.  Certainly they didn’t work or try hard enough.

It’s like those who said the Holocaust was the Jews fault:  they were too successful, wealthy, powerful.  OR the Tutsi’s had too much power and land.  OR the Armenians were Christians, not to mention well-educated compared to the Turks.  REALLY????

To be fair, genocide doesn’t start with a massacre.  It starts with one painful soul taking his/her frustration out on someone ‘safe’.  It starts with bullying.  ‘Someone’ others also resent.  ‘A different someone’ who thinks:  rather you than me.  Someone who doesn’t want to imagine how it feels to be the recipient of bullying.

Telling someone:  “well you need to:  (man up, lose weight, stop talking about ‘xxx’, get out there more, don’t be so aggressive, be more like you, be less like you)….”

or

“get over it”   is not what that person needs.  It’s what YOU need to keep YOU safe.

Preventing genocide and bullying is understanding and protecting another’s need for safety day-to-day.

That’s why I have always believed the pharmaceutical industry has missed the mark by not creating a magical pill:  an empathy pill.  A pill to offer the judgemental and  naive, the distant and disdainful of those who don’t like and don’t fit into other’s shoes.

When fear and the need to put someone else down overtakes us, we should all learn to say (to ourselves): ‘Here, have an empathy pill.’

Here, have an empathy pill: understand ME! This isn’t about YOU!” Though I’ve always imagined empathy pills shaped like pretty little colored shoes. For men, they can be black loafers and sneakers.  Get your prescription today!

These would be bitter pills to swallow because empathy is a toughie.

Do we really want to stop judging others and give up our safety?  Here are 12 things to consider:

  1. REALIZE you probably have NO idea what the other person is feeling.  Realize that knowing they are in ‘pain’ may be enough.
  2. DON’T say, “I know EXACTLY what you are going through, because do you really?  How can you?
  3. SHARE experiences that are similar but only later, just to let them know that they are not alone.
  4. ASK how you can help to make it better.  Listening helps.  Just listening – to them – not to yourself talking about yourself.
  5. ASK if it’s okay for you to offer a suggestion.  Don’t assume you know what someone else needs.
  6. ASK questions:  even if it’s just ‘tell me more’
  7. DON’T judge.  When you judge, you bully – it’s unkindness.
  8. LISTEN for the underlying emotion, pain and/or issue which you can probably relate to.
  9. DON’T make this about you.  It’s not.   Here’s why:  you don’t know.   What you did or what you would do just doesn’t matter.   You don’t have all the facts even if you’ve been told.
  10. TELL someone you care.  Ask them to tell you more.  Ask them how you can help.
  11. MOST OF ALL: Imagine what it would be like if…  How you would feel if….  How it must be to feel such pain…  What you want from someone if you felt….  What you would want or need from someone if….
  12. STAND UP AND REMIND others to also walk in another’s shoes.  Remind people inflicting pain on others does NOT lessen their own pain.  Not really.  Not for long.
Standing up to prevent bullying is a big deal.

Standing up to prevent bullying is a big deal.

There’s room for all of us in the shoe store of life.  IF we bother to understand someone else’s heel height.

What will you do to understand someone else’s pain and perspective?

Remember:  Only YOU can prevent Bullying

Remember: Only YOU can prevent Bullying

Confessions of an Introvert

15 Jul

At a recent networking event, I was rounding the outskirts of the crowd, seeking safety and the lone networker to chat with.  Standing off to the side, a woman held out her hand as I passed.  ‘Hi, I’m ‘Y”.

We shared our ‘how do you/what do you do’s’.  At this crowdfunding gathering, she was seeking funding for her clothing line for women with curves.   She had all the qualities of a fashion designer:  savvy, attractive, and outgoing.  And she couldn’t wait to get out of ‘here’.  Not because she didn’t want funding or believe in her project.  Networking and the brouhaha of it all was ‘too much’.  ‘Y’ is an introvert.

Compacting meaningful conversation to forge a connection is an introvert talent.  But what does this really mean?  With the caveat that not all introverts are created equal, I think it’s time to shed light on the wonderful and often misunderstood inner light of an introvert.

We can be charming, fun, vivacious, sparkly.  Don’t be fooled by this one facet of our personality.   Introverts are not necessarily wall flowers, shy, or anti-social.  It’s far more complicated.

Our mantra:  “When the going gets tough, the tough go to bed.”  Personally, I live by this Barbara Sher quote.   I’m very outgoing and love being out and about.  But when I need to recharge to be my best me – my most authentic me – I unplug and pull the covers over my head.   For minutes, hours, days….  it all depends.  ‘Y’ confessed she spent the 4 day July 4th weekend at home.  When friends told her she had to go out and do stuff, she shrugged:  ‘why?’  She had a happy weekend – alone.

http-www.nickpierno.com

http-www.nickpierno.com

Small talk is like junk food.  It’s great every once in a while.   Tasty.  But only in small quantities.  Babble is empty calories.  Too much leads to weighing us down and making us sluggish.   After an hour or so, talk should move on to something substantive whether it has to do with life experiences, personal thoughts vs. actions.  As ‘Y’ shared, our conversation became real and relaxing when she could share thoughts about how and why she spent July 4th.

theintrovertentrepreneur.com

theintrovertentrepreneur.com

Social media is a bore.  We have no need to talk about ourselves.  No need to share every action and thought in a public, impersonal way.  Why?  If you have something you want to share – text.  It’s more personal.

We do not rant and rave.  Ideas and emotions can be jumbled in our head.  Talking about them in the heat of the moment means we say things we don’t mean which we’ll replay in our heads over and over.  And by the time we’ve sorted them through, well, we have no need to talk about them.

Which means, it can take us days to get back to you about something said or that thorn that got stuck in our side.  We need time.  To think.

We are great company to ourselves; never (or rarely) lonely alone.

If we are out and about and having a great time, it is still exhausting.  If we are not having a great time, it is exhausting, draining, and, lonely.

A seemingly invigorating social event will not ‘pump us up’ if we are emotionally drained.  Especially if there is no meaningful, personal, one-on-one connection/conversation.

infjdoodles-tumblr (for all you Myers-Briggs folks)

infjdoodles-tumblr (for all you Myers-Briggs folks)

I can write this post as ‘we’ because it doesn’t need to be all about me.

We are great listeners.  As one introvert once told me, extroverts see themselves as the center of the universe, introverts are happy to be on the outside.  But just because we will listen and not make everything about us doesn’t mean we have nothing to say.

We won’t talk just to talk.  We won’t talk unless someone is listening.

We may share intimate details of our life, but if you never respond or follow-up, chances are we won’t do it again.  Or maybe we will because we love you.  But it saps our energy.  It’s not connection.

Okay, I’ve said enough.  Time for this introvert to go back to bed.